Sweet Surrender

Ya Rabb!
It is not long since I first surrendered; since I first uttered the words that acknowledged that my life belongs to You. That You are the Creator, the Sustainer, the Evolver, who knew me before I knew myself.

That You are the All-Seeing, the All-Hearing, the Turner of the Hearts, who turned this wretched soul to your service.
It is not long since I first surrendered.

Time was when I made plans as if I co-wrote Destiny. Time was when I held grudges close to my heart, nursing old wounds like babies. Time was when I threw caution to the wind – then cried when it fell and shattered on the floor. It is not long since I first surrendered.

Then came the time of nervous, stilted prayers, cool water ablutions and clumsily tied scarves. Those were the days of discovery, of wonder, of exploring the depths of an ocean of knowledge. The days of sudden friendships, of smiles between strangers, of sharing food with a sister you’d just met.
It is not long since I first surrendered.

Then came talk of marriage and meetings and multiple choice questions. Those were the days of brief encounters, of walis and mahr negotiations, and nervous young brothers still trying to grow their beards. The days of marriage contracts, henna parties and waleemas every other weekend.
It is not long since I first surrendered.

Then came the time of marriage, of young Muslim love, holding hands and riding on buses to out of town talks. Those were the days of being part of a couple, of late night conversations, the Fajr prayer in a one bedroom flat. The days of sickness in the morning, a blossoming belly and excitement building to welcome new life.
It is not long since I first surrendered.

But, in between babies, moving house, and life’s many trials, I feel the surrender slip through my fingers. No longer do I ache to swim that vast ocean, no longer does my heart break when I bow down and pray. It is as if Life has overtaken my footsteps, leaving me stumbling in darkness, deaf, dumb and blind.

Ya Rabb!
Open my eyes, ignite all my senses, turn my heart back to when it was new. Awaken my soul from its deep winter slumber: accept its flawed surrender to you. For it is not long since I first surrendered. Not long since I tasted that sweetness. ‘Sweet surrender’ for surrender is sweet.

Ya Rabb!
Let me taste its sweetness again. Ameen

Article first published in SISTERS magazine (www.sisters-magazine.com)